The Weak In Rock

I used to clutter up this space at the end of every year with a smart-allecky list of the top records of the year, followed by feeble attempts to find a witty way to say “I have no idea who any of these artists are, but they all suck.  Now get off my lawn ya darned kids before I fill yer britches with rock salt.”  I gave that up a couple of years ago, mainly because it was depressing me to feel so disconnected from youth culture and so obviously middle-aged and bitter about it.

Don’t get me wrong.  Being middle-aged and bitter can be very entertaining.  But I think I’d sort of shot my wad on that schtick.  Personally, I like Patton Oswalt’s approach - write a list of the best things you think are coming in the new year.  Here’s his list of music we can all look forward to in 2009:

ALBUMS

I Also Fingered a Girl in a Kiddie Pool of Wesson Oil
Katy Perry
In another collection of songs written for her by the editors of MAXIM Magazine, Katy Perry tries to stretch five minutes of titillation into a careers-worth of relevancy.

Night Grooves
Fugazi
Ian McKaye shocked his fans with this catchy, can’t-stay-in-your-seat collection of dance tunes.   Includes “Shimming the Beat”, “Dew-It Witchu” and “Positive Power Slide”

Gimme Dat
2-Fly
The Wyoming rap corridor finally found its Dr. Dre.

Go Get ‘Em, President Smokey
Toby Keith
Toby’s misguided tribute to our new incoming president effectively ended his career, but what a way to go!

A Very Metal Arbor Day
Mastodon, Anthrax and 13 other bands remind everyone to plant a tree and worship Satan.

Nice.

Patton, you’re an evil man.  Please come over to my house for dinner.  I’ll make steak.

I particularly like his skewering of Katy Perry.   Her hit from last year had all the depth of a latrine dug by a parapalegic Boy Scout.  The funny thing is there was a feature story on the wires last week about how *shock* Katy Perry’s new video featured her making out with a guy.  When she moves to Tijuana after she’s blown her royalties on hot pants and eyeliner she’ll make a new video about kissing an equus asinus.

Speaking of Jackasses - if only Toby Keith’s demise in the public eye could be so poetic and appropriate.

Seriously Patton.  Call me.  Steak’s on me.

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